Spiral
by SaveMeSunshine
Summary: Adam's dead and it's all her fault and she didn't know how to handle it. A Beckdam one-shot.


Sunday afternoon in Florida; it was my last Sunday here before I head back to Toronto. As sad as I was to be leaving all my friends and extended family, I was more excited about seeing Adam and fixing everything. It was a stupid fight; couples have them all the time. Whatever problems we had, we promised to work through them together. Adam was more than willing; I saw that when he kept texting and me sending me flowers. It won't be that hard for us to come back from our break and bask in the company of each other.

_Lying in the park on a beautiful day _

_Sunshine in the grass and the children play_

_Sirens passing, fire engine red_

_Someone's house is burning down on a day like this_

I come back to Toronto and Jenna isn't here to meet me like she promised she would after coming back from Paris. She probably just forgot, no worries, she's probably at The Dot like everyone else is at almost all times of the day when school's not in session.

The Dot is nearly deserted. It's like 5:00; it should be buzzing with teenagers and patrons alike. I decided to text Jenna- maybe something has come up.

_And evening comes and we're hanging out_

_On the front and a car goes by with the windows rolled down_

_And that war song is playing, "Why can't we be friends"_

_Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs_

**B: Hey, where are you? And where is everyone?**

**J: Becky you need to meet me at the hospital**

**B: Why? What's happened? Are you okay?**

**J: It's not me. But you need to be here.**

She sounded so serious. I take my parents car and I quickly get to the hospital where Jenna is waiting for me. I see her and smile and I start to walk over until she notices me and my smile fades. Her tear stained cheeks are what I noticed first, then her red, puffy eyes with dark circles under them that look like she hadn't been sleeping since she's gotten back; only crying.

"Jenna, what's going on?" I asked. She's not looking me in the eye and it's scaring me. She leads me to the chairs in the waiting room and we both sit down.

"I don't know how to say this," she started, but choked up, "But have you heard from Adam lately?"

"No, he hasn't texted me back since a few nights ago. Jenna, why are we here?"

She started to bawl and kept apologizing to me.

"Becky, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." My heart becomes heavy and the beats become irregular. Something really bad has happened to someone here.

"It's Adam, Becky," she finally choked out in a hoarse voice.

"What do you mean? Where is he?" I asked.

"He's gone, Becky, he's gone," she bawls again. All I could do was just stare at her blankly. Gone; what does that word mean? Like he's moved away? Or…

"Gone?" I whispered.

"He's dead."

_Funny the way it is. If you think about it_

_Somebody's going hungry, someone else is eating out_

_Funny the way it is, not right or wrong_

_Somebody's heart is broken; it becomes your favorite song_

"Becks let me take you to the reception… Becky?" Dallas asked me.

"You go; I don't think I'm welcome."

It was my fault? My fault; It was my fault Adam was 6 ft under; it was my fault that I overreacted and asked for time to think; it was my fault that I cut up all the flowers he sent me; it was my fault that I pushed him away when all he ever wanted to do was love me. And now he doesn't- and he never will.

I just feel so numb. There's a hole in my chest where my heart used to be and is now buried in the Degrassi Street cemetery. I miss him so much and it physically pains me. I've never felt so alone in my life. I just realized that the only friends I have-had were Adam and Jenna. I seemed to have pissed everyone else off with my beliefs. My family has comforted me but only on a certain level; a surface level. They know I'm heart broken but I know they're internally leaping for joy because my boyfriend, who they think is still a girl, is gone and I can get back on "God's path."

I don't cry in front of them. It doesn't feel right to. My pain is not real to them. I have no where to go to be by myself because they don't give me a chance to. They're already setting me up with a guy from my church. I want to slap them; I want to curse them out for thinking that I don't feel anything; that my love for Adam was not for rebellion but because I truly did. I still do. But I don't lay a hand on my family; I don't let curses leave my mouth. I just sit there unresponsive until they understand that my feelings aren't going away and I won't be happy. My soul mate, my one and only love, has been taken away from me; what's there to be happy about? I continue to walk around like an empty shell- hoping that my outsides don't crumble in front of my family.

_The way your mouth feels in a lover's kiss_

_Like a pretty bird on a breeze, or water to a fish_

_The bomb blast brings the building crashing to the floor_

_Hear the laughter while the children play war_

_Funny the way it is, if you think about it_

_One kid walks ten miles to school, another's dropping out_

_Funny the way it is, not right or wrong_

_On a soldier's last breath, his baby's being born_

It's been a month since the accident. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Not a day goes by that I don't feel that creeping guilt that sequesters in my being that his death was my fault. Everyday is a struggle to get by; I am unresponsive to everyone I'm around. I haven't talked to anyone (well, anyone who would even want to talk to Me. everyone knows it's my fault). Everyday, I wonder, why I thought hanging out with Todd wouldn't affect Adam at all. How stupid was I to think that it meant nothing because, obviously, it meant everything to Adam.

I can't believe how much he changed me. I only noticed this after he was gone. I'm more open minded and accepting. Now taking a step back, everything is different. I hear my parents talking about the LGBT community and it makes me sick that I use to sound that way; so closed minded to the people who can't help who they love. When I compare me to myself back then it's like night and day. The world seems different now; it seems smaller because everyone is the same. I am no different than the gay boy in my English class. I praise Adam every day for showing me the right way.

_Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing underneath_

_It must have been much harder when there was no bridge just water_

_Now the world is small, compared to how it use to be _

_With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars_

I find myself sitting in my room staring blankly at the wall. I can hear my parent's fight muffled through my closed door. "She's sick, Brian! I haven't heard her say a word since 'she' died." Usually, my mom referring to Adam as a girl would get me riled up; but lately, all I feel is a dull, achy roar inside. I haven't felt the need to correct her. What's the point? He's gone. "She's fine! You don't actually believe that she really had feelings for her! Rebecca is still going through a rebellious phase. I don't think anything of it. She never loved 'Adam' and she will be back to her normal self in no time."

There it was; the sentence that woke me from my slumber; the sentence that turned the dull, achy roar into a fit of rage that couldn't be tamed. I go out of my room and approach my parents. "I never loved him, dad? I loved him with every inch of my being! He was my boyfriend and I can't believe you two never realized this and you probably never will! Adam was mine and I was his. He was a boy, a boy that I loved; and not you, or Luke or God will ever suppress what I felt for him. Who are you to judge me or him? You didn't know him because you didn't care to know him and you obviously don't know me now because you assume that I am exactly the same from who I was in Florida. Have you ever even listened to a thing I've said while we were together? No. because you two refuse to believe that there might be an opinion different from yours in this world. And what kind of people are you to tell me how I am emotionally? You have NEVER once asked me how I'm doing; you have NEVER once asked me if I'm okay and you have NEVER once asked me if I needed to talk since the accident. You let me get lost inside myself to the point where I don't even know what to think anymore or what to do! I've contemplated suicide almost every week now just because I know it would be better than feeling this way. His accident has been killing me since I found out! It's eating me away and I can't stop it because I know it was my fault. But let me spare you all these details because you guys don't care enough to hear it."

I sprinted out of the house with tears brimming at my eyes but they won't fall. I don't even know where I'm running to I just run. I run until my muscles cry for me to stop; my chest starts to hurt and my lungs become dry and I finally stop before I pass out. Once I catch my breath, I take in my surroundings and I find myself on an abandoned bridge used for recreation near a park.

_Watch the sky, the jet plane so far out of my reach_

_Is there someone up there looking down on me_

_Boy chase a bird, so close but every time_

_He'll never catch her, but he can't stop trying_

The park is desolate as my eyes wander through it; I can somehow relate. It's how I feel every day without him saying my name; without him holding my hand. Why, God? Why did you have to take him away from me? Of course, I didn't hear an answer. I haven't heard from God since Adam died. A fit of rage swelled inside of me.

"SO, GOD, YOU'RE ONLY HERE WHEN EVERYTHING IS OKAY? WHEN EVERYTHING IS GOING RIGHT IN MY LIFE?" I yelled into the sky, "I BET YOU LOVE WATCHING ME SQUIRM AND SUFFER! WHY PUT HIM IN MY LIFE JUST TO TAKE HIM BACK OUT HUH?! WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT?" My voice becomes hoarse but I don't stop. I start pulling on my hair and just fall to the ground wailing at the top my lungs. At that point, I didn't even believe there is anyone up there. In the first time in my life, I felt completely and utterly alone.

Without thinking, I started climbing onto the bridge's ledge. I stood on it looking down at the swirling water below me. It's tugging at me, begging to swallow me up. It has me in an enticing trance that I can't break free of; I don't want to. Just thinking of being with Adam again makes my heart swell inside my chest. Maybe if I kill myself, Adam would forgive me for killing him. I spread my arms out, ready to fly.

"Becky!" I heard someone call my name. It sounded so much like Adam.

"I'm coming," I whispered.

As I lean forward, I almost feel free. All I can think about is Adam.

_Funny the way it is, if you think about it_

_One kid walks 10 miles to school, another's dropping out_

_Funny the way it is, not right or wrong_

_On a soldier's last breath, his baby's being born_

_Funny the way it is, not right or wrong_

_Somebody's broken heart become your favorite song_

_Funny the way it is, if you think about it_

_One kid walks 10 miles to school, another's dropping out_

_Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing underneath_

_It must have been much harder when there was no bridge, just water_

I feel strong hands reach around my waist and my body being ripped backward. I started yelling and screaming and kicking and hitting whoever; they stopped me from being with Adam.

"LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO!" I screamed but they just pinned me to ground and held me there.

"What the hell are you doing, Becky?!" I opened my eyes to find my vision blurred. It looked so much like Adam and I almost started to smile until my eyes focused. It was Drew.

"Are you crazy?! You could have been killed!" Drew yelled at me emphatically.

I didn't want to hear this from him. So I tried to get up but Drew tied me down.

"Let me finish this, it's what you want, Drew." I spat at him with all the venom I could muster.

"What? Killing yourself is not what I want!" he said incredulously.

"IT WAS MY FAULT, DREW; A LIFE FOR A LIFE. Everyday has gotten harder and I can't live with this guilt anymore! I won't; let me go so that I can be with him again. This is the only way I can repay what I did. Living another day only cements the fact that I'm alive and he's dead." I yelled at Drew who only looked at me with a blank face.

And I'm the one who's responsible." I whispered.

"Becky, I…" he started, touching my shoulder.

"Don't touch me," I said while slapping his hand away. I go back to the ledge while he pleaded for me to listen to him.

"Nothing you say will change my mind so just go!" I said as I was about to lean forward against the wind.

"IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT." He screamed. "I shouldn't have blamed it on you, okay? It was not your fault, it was never your fault; I just needed someone to blame, anyone to blame but myself. I knew how much you meant to him and I shouldn't have told him it was over between you two. He was looking for brotherly advice and I let him down!" he was crying, but he continued. "I'm so sorry that I blamed it on you, Becky. You didn't deserve to garnish all the guilt, all the hate that I put on you. I felt it, too. But you can't kill yourself, not now. It's not what he had wanted and he would have killed me if he knew I was responsible. I would have let him down twice with the girl he loved." He dropped to his knees and sobbed violently.

I slowly get down and approach Drew tentatively. I embrace him and hug him tight and he hugs me back tighter and we just cry on our knees for what feels like hours. But I don't mind, it's the best that I've felt in weeks. I never knew how powerful a simple gesture was until now; it was all I really needed. Everything still hurts, I knew I was still unsure about Adam loving me or not. Drew just said it to get me down. But the pain had receded back a little.

We pull away and are quiet until he chuckled. "What?" I said with a sad grin.

"It's just so weird. Something pulled me to get off the couch and come here. I haven't been here since me and Adam ran away from home when we were kids because our mom and dad had a really big fight. We came here and watched the sunset together until they came and found us."

A chill ran through my body. I almost tainted one of Adam's spots of solace.

"It's funny. I felt like something was telling me to come and if I left any later I wouldn't have been able to keep you from jumping. I would want to say that it was Adam that dragged me here; but I don't know."

It was quiet; an eerie quiet. I listened to the wind rustle the leaves on the trees. One leaf fell off a branch and started to cascade through the air down to the bridge. I felt like I was the leaf and the tree was everyone else and Adam was the wind. He took me away from what I believed to be right and changed me into a more open-minded, independent individual. But just as soon as he took me away from society, he left. Now I'm a lone leaf on a bridge trying to find a purpose.

Drew chuckled again. "What is it this time?" I asked him.

"I've been carrying around his phone since the accident. I think you should know that he was crazy about you, Becky. He talked about you so much, it felt like I was dating you from how much I knew about you." He laughed, handing the phone to me. "I'm sorry for keeping this from you for so long, see you around." He hugged me quick and jogged away.

I looked at him quizzically as he jogged away. I unlocked the phone to find a selfie of us before one of his concerts. He looked so handsome then and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I looked down to the message app and saw there was an exclamation point which meant there was a message he failed to send. I clicked on it and it went straight to our conversation.

"I love you Becky"

A small smile graced my lips as tears started to stream down my cheeks. At that moment, I didn't feel lonely anymore. A breeze filled the air and I felt warm like someone was giving me a hug. I knew it was Adam; he had never left me. The hole in my chest wasn't completely filled, in fact it was still pretty empty; but I knew that Adam had died loving me and that's all that matters to me right now.

"I love you too," I whisper.

_Now the world is small, compared to how it use to be with mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars._

**Hope you guys like it! I will be updating Retrograde soon so hold on a little bit longer!**

**Review and Comment!**

**-SMS**


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